Swimmer Takes The Charles, Brushes Teeth For Several Hours Thereafter
Local swimmer Christopher Swain, after an 81 mile “hike” begun Oct. 12th, has finished swimming the entire Charles River. It was a tight race, and Mr. Swain is believed to’ve eeked out Mr. Jeb Alexander by a mere nine hours, who’s attempting the same feat in a lawn mower.
From the article:
“I dodged everything from refrigerators to cars and old appliances [See, The Big Dig is healthy! — Evan] to PCBs, heavy metals and pesticides which I couldn’t see,” he said.
He swam about four days a week, putting in six-hour days. The “swim” included hikes through tunnels, around 20 dams and crawling on a boogie board through mud. Along the way, he led trash cleanups and spoke to schoolchildren.
When asked to put his achievement into perspective, Swain replied, “You’re not going to use that ‘Dirty Water’ song in the write-up, are you? I really hope not. That wouldn’t be clever at all.”
The article went on to say that Swain’s newfound super powers had nothing to do with his hours in the water. Nothing.
When a reporter questioned this, Swain fired heat beams from his eyes and melted the journalist on the spot, saying, “Swain smash! Rraargh!”
Thankfully, this did not further polute the Charles.