Evan: Can religion mollify the stressed college student? Evan investigates! Here with us today is God. Hiya, God.
God: Hey, Evan.
Evan: Now, God. You don’t mind if I call you “God,” do you?
God: Yahweh’s a-okay with me.
Evan: Hah, hah! But, seriously, God: do you think you affect the composure of our future?
God: Well, this “Valerie Sullivan” said, if I recall, that three thousand of religious students “who integrated spirituality into their lives experienced significantly lower levels of psychological distress…compared with students who had little or no involvement in spiritual or religious activities.”
Evan: Wow, I didn’t know you could ellipse like that!
God: It’s a thing I do.
Evan: But what would crazy bearded secularists say?
God: Mr. Dan Dennett said that people could “meditate” to produce “mood stabilizers,” if they want to. Whatever that means.
Worrywart Student [Staring at a paper in his hand.]: Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!
God: Yes?
W.S.: Oh, not you. I was just, y’know–just–
God: Just what?

[Awkward silence.]

Evan: Did you know that David Ortiz was considering coming out of retirement?